What beer goes best with a pinstriped shirt? Is it OK to drink lite after Labor Day? These are probably questions you will never ask yourself, but the beer you drink says as much about your personality as the clothes on your back. As a public service I have compiled a list of various beers as well as the corresponding generalities that accompany their drinkers. I encourage you to use the following list as a guide to ensure your drink accurately stereotypes your unique personality.
40 oz bottles: Upon accidentally crossing paths with you people have a knee-jerk reaction to avoid eye contact and toss loose change at you in hopes of avoiding your rants about the CIA tapping into your thoughts. Most will make a mental note in their head on where they spotted you and avoid that location in the future. It is assumed you have a drinking problem that prevents you from holding a job.
Milwaukee’s Best: Think of it as a mullet in a can. This cheap beer is loudly broadcasting to the world that you likely have a drinking problem that you cannot afford so you compromise by purchasing the least expensive swill that will give you your fix. Whether it is the 7 hours of semi-soberness you must endure while sleeping or the realization that Dale Earnhardt is never coming back, this cruelty of life has left you hurt, bitter, and one angry drunk.
Miller/Bud Light: You wax nostalgically about the culinary virtues of Velveta cheese and all of your favorite recipes require a microwave. You were once invited to a wine tasting but promptly left when you discovered there was no Arbor Mist. Your favorite activities include following the crowd and trying not to stand out. Though you cannot actually taste the difference you enjoy heated debates over whether Bud or Miller tastes better.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: When asked about your love for a traditionally old man’s beer you dismissively look up from your thick rimmed glasses and reply, “You wouldn’t understand”. Your choice of a throwback beer was predestined to match your thrift clothing and non-conformist attitude, all of which is paid for with your parent’s trust fund.
Bud Platinum: Like your beer, your personality lacks good taste and is unnecessarily strong. You reek of cologne, want desperately to get laid, but will likely only be kissing the toilet tonight. Occasionally though your glossy blue bottle will succeed in attracting women who are easily distracted by shiny objects.
Stella Artois: You enjoy ordering this beer mainly because you love how snooty you sound saying “Artois”. It also gives you a false sense of importance believing that this was the first time most of those uncivilized brutes around you heard it properly pronounced. You will likely choose one of the more visible seats to ensure everyone will see your tastes are so refined that your beer can only be truly enjoyed in a chalice.