In the book of Genesis the Bible outlines how God was angry with mankind for being corrupted by processed foods and hosting wicked Velveeta fondue parties. However Noah, the owner of a struggling organic grocery store, found favor in the eyes of God.
One day while shopping for quinoa God was in a particularly bad mood after seeing the pagans were opening another Applebees nearby. Thinking out-loud, God casually muttered that he should just destroy the earth since everyone refused to eat the fresh in-season vegetables he abundantly provided. Then realizing he was being a little over the top God attempted to change the subject by asking Noah if he could get “billed for some goat and two of your best wine”. However Noah misheard him and thought he was just instructed to “build a boat and bring two of each kind”. Frightened, Noah quickly left the store and began looking for some wood.
Slightly humored by Noah’s misinterpretation God watched from a distance as Noah began constructing the arc. Figuring at some point Noah would tire of the project, God decided not to intervene. However God underestimated Noah’s perseverance and soon the arc had been completed.
Impressed, God decided to pay Noah another visit and break the news that there would be no flood. However, on the way to see Noah God was perusing the reader choice awards in the Post Crescent, and when he discovered Starbucks won the Best of the Valley title for best coffee shop he became enraged!
Barely able to contain himself by the time he found Noah and his family God wildly exclaimed, “Hide your wife! Hide your kids! Hide your husband! Cause it’ll be raining on everyone up in here!”
So Noah and his family boarded the arc and watched as the rain began to fall. Within no time the flood waters had risen to cover even the tallest golden arches. Riding in the world’s first Whole Foods Market grocery store Noah and his family waited out the rain.
Realizing this was his chance to forever rid the world of the nutritionally void iceberg lettuce that plagues mankind’s salads with its flavorless crunch, each day Noah threw it overboard. However like unholy manna from hell it would reappear in the arc the following morning. Frustrated, Noah called out to God in anger. God then came to Noah to explain that mankind will always have to watch for false foodies that come in sheep’s clothing; however he has provided us iceberg lettuce so that we may always recognize them by their bad taste.
Finally the flood waters began receding and the arc came to rest on a mountain. Noah looked out and saw everything on earth had perished in the flood with the exception of McDonald’s food, which though soggy was seemingly immune from any type of decomposition.
Realizing he had just destroyed Noah’s entire customer base God felt bad and bought up all of the available shares in Noah’s new Community Supported Agriculture venture, figuring it was the least he could do. Though with a nudging *COUGH* the Holy Spirit prompted God to go a little farther. It was then that God blessed mankind with bacon, instructing Noah to partake in it regularly in remembrance of his great love for us and promise that he will never again destroy the earth.
Moral of the story: Go to the farmer’s market and enjoy the abundance of fresh produce we have been blessed with! Otherwise you don’t deserve bacon.