Miller Lite has a new Punch Top Can allowing air to flow in as the beer pours out permitting drinkers to dump out their beer even faster!
During the unveiling a spokesman for Miller Lite stated, “We were finding that many people took one sip of our flavorless beer and wanted to throw it out, however dumping out beer in a traditional can takes an excessively long time which was causing a poor consumer experience. We hope this the new Punch Top Can will allow our dissatisfied customers to better focus on the real reason they should be unhappy, our whoremongering of lowest common denominator beer. ”
Craft beers lovers around the state applauded the effort as a good start. The Wisconsin Tavern League estimated it could take years to dump out all of the Miller Lite but expected this new can to speed up the process.
Elsewhere High School students at Appleton West rejoiced. “I can’t wait to show Emily Thompson how manly I am when I shotgun one of these in under 10 seconds”, said Senior Matt Waterman. Habitually unemployed father Sam Waterman proudly stood by and added, “Git ‘er done!”
Ann Stanly, Miller Brewing’s Director of Youth Outreach was asked if this new feature provided any benefit to the responsible drinker, but after several additional attempts to clarify still didn’t understand the question.
The rollout of this new can surprised industry experts who expected Miller Brewing to first release the Easy Crush Can, a can with a paddled bottom and collapsing sides so drinkers could more easily smash it on their heads.